Revamping My Blog

hey guys, so i know, i haven't been writing a lot on this platform due to my schedule. ugh, there is just so much stuff to do!  i mean, what did i expect, i finished my 18 year of free trial living. as you guys know i'm currently studying abroad in the UK, and i'll be writing soon enough about the things i've experienced. chill. probably gonna make a video about it too.
what do you guys want me to write about? comment stuffs you would like to read about.

Do you guys like my new blog design? i love the black and white touch of the interface!
i've deleted (hidden) my older posts cause i think it's a bit cringey to read, like "whyyy did i wrote it in the first place?". i'm planning on dying my hair again, and if you guys have any suggestion of what color let me know :)

i hope i'll have the time to regularly update my blog in hopes to brighten your day up or just something serious that i think the society must discuss more about. so here's a picture of me trying to pose on the stairs tryna look cool but actually i dunno what the fuck i'm doing. ahahahhahah thanks for reading! p/s: i'mma keep it real so no shit will be censored(obviously) and i'll say (or write) what's on my mind, and if you agree or disagree, feel free to comment down below ;)

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mathilda

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merely a dream.

i'm hurting in my ankle boots

wishing that i'm standing next to your shoes

maybe it's false but it could be true,

those dream i had filled with the thoughts of you.

rays of lights, walking near a stream

there's us in a corner, surrounded by fireflies

gleaming nights, sad, it was just a dream

reminiscing in the border, tyrant, how time flies.

we could be that imagination in reality

if only things we're different

you'd still be with me.

the pain kicks back in, now and then;

most times i cry, no i don't want it to repeat again.

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mathilda

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about my depression. (part 1)

it could happen in a blink of an eye.
the terrors. the nightmares. the suffocating voices in my head.
constantly gasping, trying to inhale some air inside my corrupted lungs.
pillows soaked with tears, each one with a tiny piece of me infiltrating the linen.
one thing buried in my mind, "when will this life end?"

yes, i've had depression. it reached its peak in the early half of 2016, where things just went out of hand. at that period of time, i felt my whole life was a total shit hole. felt like i had no purpose in life.

depression is different from sadness. i thought i was just sad at first, but it turns out depression had it's claws deep in my skin. i was bed-ridden to the point where i didn't even want to get out of my room. days and nights felt like the same to me, my sleeping pattern were just inconsistent. if it wasn't my mom dragging me out of bed to go somewhere, i would not even wake up. i slept through the day, yet i still didn't have the energy to even do a simple task. all i would think about was the hours left till the day ends. then, the next day comes, i felt like my life was just on a fast forward button.

then it came to the issue of my appetite. few moments i felt like i had this massive hunger and i would spent a minimum of few tubs of ice cream a week. even twice a day. all i would eat is junk foods.
there were times that i didn't even feel like eating, my tastebuds numb. i would just eat a few crackers for a few days. i would eat while binging on videos while crying my heart out.

almost all day, i would listen to depressing music. Smother by Daughter. and would listen to anything that makes me feel that all of this is my fault, that made me feel unwanted, enhancing all the pain i felt inside of me and it' spreading to every single veins in my body.

a few times, there were a spark for me to get out of this haze i was in. but there was always something that pulled me back in the hole of despair. and every time i fell, i fell in deeper into the darkness.

i didn't want anyone to see what i was going through. even my family. i would act like there was absolutely nothing wrong and just made excuses or that i was just tired. there were a lot of unanswered messages that i didn't even bother to check. the worst of it was that i even tried to end my friendship with my best friend because i thought i was a burden and NOT GOOD ENOUGH for anyone.

the most terrible part of depression was the SUICIDAL thoughts. i've never went through a minor self harm phase because i would show that i was trying to get attention. my way out of this depression was mostly instant suicidal. i put a lot of thought in it, planning out how i would want my death to be.
i was always thinking, why wasn't it me that the reaper came to take first?

will be continued.

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mathilda

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50 Questions To Ask Myself Before 2017

1. What made you feel most alive this year? 
- The moment I snapped out of my depression haze.

2. How did you surprise yourself in 2016?
- Achieving something I didn't expect to.
3. What did you do this year that you regret?
- Not being thankful enough for all that I had.
4. What made you cry the hardest this year?
- Me being not good enough.
5. Which friends have been there for you the most in 2016?
- My best friend, Celine, my FNE friends, and my close friends in UiTM Sarawak.
6. What are you most grateful for as this year draws to a close?
- I'm grateful that I'm still alive and grateful for all the blessings God has given me.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
- I'm both. Happier because of all the great things that had happened but also sadder due to the things I'm gonna leave behind next year.
8. What did you do to take care of yourself this year?
- I decided to eat healthier by eating less junk food, carbs and dairy.
9. Where was the best place you traveled to this year?
- Kuching, Sarawak.
10. What did you do for the first time in 2016?
- Went to a cinema and played laser tag.
11. What did you do for the last time in 2016?
- idk.
12. Which days from 2016 will you never forget?
- My days as a student in UiTM Sarawak and my dark days.
13. What did you accomplish this year that you’re proud of?
- Winning the UiTM Sarawak's Santai Seni Singing Competition.
14. Who did you need to forgive this year?
- Myself.
15. What were you most afraid of this year?
- Being not good enough and disappointing everyone that had high hopes on me.
16. How did life surprise you this year?
- Giving me opportunities that I didn't asked for but life knew I needed.
17. How was this year better than 2015?
- I've learned so much and gained more "once in a lifetime" experiences.
18. How was this year worse than 2015?
- I hit rock bottom, gained a lot of weight due to my disturbed imbalanced appetite.
19. Who did you miss the most over the past year?
- My grandma who passed away earlier this year.
20. What was the most valuable thing you spent money on this year?
- Gifts for my family and friends.
21. What did you waste too much money on this year?
- FOOD.
22. How did you spend your birthday this year?
- I spent it in Kuching, Sarawak with my mom and my two friends, Delsie and Eva. I also spent it the day before with my friends by going out to the movies and karaoke.
23. What was the best book you read in 2016?
- Jenny Han's To All The Boys I've Loved Before & P.S I Still Love You.
24. What do you wish you’d spent more time doing this year?
- Making videos.
25. What do you wish you’d spent less time doing?
- Procrastinating.
26. What made you the angriest in 2016?
- Lying people and people who take advantage of other people for their own benefits.
27. When did you feel the most at peace this year?
- That one Sunday when I attended a mass in St.Joseph Cathedral, Kuching.
28. What is the biggest risk you took in 2016?
- Climbing up to the rooftop of a building in UiTM to see the sunrise with my friends in hopes of not getting caught by the campus police.
29. What made you laugh the hardest this year?
- Hanging out with my friends in UiTM until dawn, doing stupid things at the Youth Floor.
30. What ended for you in 2016?
- High school (officially).
31. What began for you in 2016?
- University life.
32. What song will always remind you of this year?
- Sunshine And City Lights by Greyson Chance.
33. How did this year differ from the way you thought it would go?
- I met people in my life that will forever stay in my mind. I never expected to enter UiTM Sarawak as an Electrical Engineering student, but fatefully, I did and met a new family there.
34. How would you describe your personal style over the past year?
- It's more mature, a little bit feminine but still sticks to my original style.
35. Who in your life did you look up to the most this year?
- GOD.
36. Which quote best sums up the past year for you?
- "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." - Bernard M. Baruch
- "Fuck them. You do you."-Rafiq
37. Did you fall in love this year?
- Nope.
38. Did your heart break this year?
- Yes.
39. What was your favorite TV show in 2016?
- Vampire Diaries and Teen Wolf.
40. Which (if any) new years resolutions did you keep this year?
- Made more videos.
41. Which (if any) new years resolutions will you be making for next year?
- To become more healthy, and to work really hard to achieve my goals.
42. What disappointed you the most in 2016?
- Me failing to achieve my goals.
43. Who did you rely on the most in 2016?
- My parents.
44. Who might you owe an apology to at the end of this year?
- Everyone I've disappointed and everyone I've pranked.
45. How did you grow as a person over the past year?
- I became more mature, independent, and learned to accept flaws and to forgive not just others, but myself.
46. What made you feel the most stuck this year?
-My fucking anxieties.
47. What made you feel the most inspired this year?
- Being surrounded by good vibes from wonderful people.
48. If you could go back and give yourself a single piece of advice on the first day of 2016, what would it be?
- Dear me, don't worry, this year will be the year you lose some people, but you will also gain new friends that you will cherish forever.
49. What’s the most important thing you learned this year?
- The equity of life. How different people are blessed with different things. Life is complex and there's a unique story for every each one of us.
50. What do you hope will be different for you by this time next year?

- I hope that there will be more good vibes and positivity in my life. I hope that I'll become a better person that manages to achieve my goals.

Source:http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2016/12/50-important-questions-to-ask-yourself-as-2016-draws-to-a-close/

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mathilda

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