the terrors. the nightmares. the suffocating voices in my head.
constantly gasping, trying to inhale some air inside my corrupted lungs.
pillows soaked with tears, each one with a tiny piece of me infiltrating the linen.
one thing buried in my mind, "when will this life end?"
yes, i've had depression. it reached its peak in the early half of 2016, where things just went out of hand. at that period of time, i felt my whole life was a total shit hole. felt like i had no purpose in life.
depression is different from sadness. i thought i was just sad at first, but it turns out depression had it's claws deep in my skin. i was bed-ridden to the point where i didn't even want to get out of my room. days and nights felt like the same to me, my sleeping pattern were just inconsistent. if it wasn't my mom dragging me out of bed to go somewhere, i would not even wake up. i slept through the day, yet i still didn't have the energy to even do a simple task. all i would think about was the hours left till the day ends. then, the next day comes, i felt like my life was just on a fast forward button.
then it came to the issue of my appetite. few moments i felt like i had this massive hunger and i would spent a minimum of few tubs of ice cream a week. even twice a day. all i would eat is junk foods.
there were times that i didn't even feel like eating, my tastebuds numb. i would just eat a few crackers for a few days. i would eat while binging on videos while crying my heart out.
almost all day, i would listen to depressing music. Smother by Daughter. and would listen to anything that makes me feel that all of this is my fault, that made me feel unwanted, enhancing all the pain i felt inside of me and it' spreading to every single veins in my body.
a few times, there were a spark for me to get out of this haze i was in. but there was always something that pulled me back in the hole of despair. and every time i fell, i fell in deeper into the darkness.
i didn't want anyone to see what i was going through. even my family. i would act like there was absolutely nothing wrong and just made excuses or that i was just tired. there were a lot of unanswered messages that i didn't even bother to check. the worst of it was that i even tried to end my friendship with my best friend because i thought i was a burden and NOT GOOD ENOUGH for anyone.
the most terrible part of depression was the SUICIDAL thoughts. i've never went through a minor self harm phase because i would show that i was trying to get attention. my way out of this depression was mostly instant suicidal. i put a lot of thought in it, planning out how i would want my death to be.
i was always thinking, why wasn't it me that the reaper came to take first?
will be continued.
